Resources for Supporting Someone After Pregnancy & Infant Loss

The loss of a baby can be devastating, whatever stage of pregnancy – whether it’s a miscarriage (before 20 weeks), a stillbirth (after 20 weeks), or losing the baby during or after birth. Losing a baby at any stage is shocking and traumatic for the parent(s). A multitude of painful feelings can crowd in. Life may feel thin, sad, empty, and pointless. It's hard to imagine how the world can continue on.

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If you know someone who’s lost a baby, it can be difficult to know what to do for the best. Nothing can take away their pain, though it might help you to understand the kind of things your friend or loved one is going through.

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• The parents have lost someone they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. Not only have they lost a baby, but they’ve also lost the hopes and dreams of a cherished future.

• Often with the loss of a baby, comes a loss of self too.

• It’s a bereavement that can feel just as raw as if the baby had grown up and lived a long life earth-side.

• There often isn’t much after-care in the hospital, following the loss of a baby, so the parents may feel abandoned and all at sea. You see families going home with a baby, and they just have a box or bag.

• Some of the clinical terms used when a mother miscarries can be quite upsetting. These terms can feel depersonalizing and hurtful, even though it’s just medical professionals doing their job.

• Losing a baby can leave a mother feeling guilty and as her body has failed her. These feelings of guilt and self-doubt can sometimes develop into depression.

• Grieving parents can feel very, very alone in their loss. No one truly understands the pain they’re going through.

• They don’t want to take care of your reaction and emotional needs when they tell you what’s happened. Sometimes people can get so upset about the news that the bereaved parents end up taking care of the feelings of others. It’s not meant to work that way.

• It can become unbearable to see other people pregnant or with babies – especially people close to them. What’s worse is people not telling them they’re pregnant, for fear of upsetting them. Be considerate and respectful about sharing pregnancy announcements and timing. 

• The loss can sometimes affect the parents’ relationship as the partners struggle to come to terms with the loss individually and together. Parents will grieve differently.

• Months and sometimes years down the line, parents still mourn the loss of their baby. You can and should still celebrate their baby with them.

How you can support someone through baby loss?

• Acknowledge their loss always, not just in the first few months. This is one of the most challenging things for grieving parents: when people around them don’t know what to say, and so act as though nothing has happened. They want their loss to be acknowledged. It's okay to say, "I have been thinking about you and BABY NAME." Talk about the baby, and ask questions. Don’t let your awkwardness get in the way of that.

• Avoid clichés. Some of these phrases are incredibly hurtful and can end a relationship. For example, do not say “oh, your baby is too good for earth and has gone to heaven,” or “well, you’ll be able to have another one soon” or "God needed another angel" or "I don't know how you are dealing with this" or "I cannot imagine what you are going through". None of these phrases bring comfort.

• Let them talk. Losing a baby can be a lonely time. Your loved one may feel as though no one understands. Even if you don’t truly understand (and you won’t unless you’ve been through it yourself) be there with a sympathetic and caring ear.

• Keep your own emotions in check. They’re the ones suffering, not you. Don’t break down and make them the ones to look after you. They need your support. You can show your sadness. Of course. But you may need to be the strong one while they’re feeling vulnerable.

• Be sensitive to when they might need an ally. It can be hard to be around other people with babies and bumps when you’ve lost a baby. Tears and crying can happen at any time. They may need an easy escape and someone to cover if they have to leave a social gathering.

• Keep an eye on their mental health. Painful emotions do pass, generally. Sometimes they don’t, especially if there are some underlying issues from earlier in life. A new loss can tap into earlier losses, with a compound effect. If your friend of a loved one is showing signs of tipping into depression then you may want to suggest they see a therapist who can support them through the darkness – until they’re ready to walk into the light again.